Call me an asshole (like you wouldn't usually, anyway), but this time of year is just generally irritating.
Shit is crowded, hectic, tacky...and everybody is all cheery and singing, which causes me to drink more, and cut up carols, because there's shit in there that really needs to be adressed.
Jingle Bells
Lyric that bothers me: "Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse, open sleigh"
I don't know if you've ever rode in an open sleigh being pulled by one horse, but it's not that fun. It's actually a little painful on your ass, and slow as hell when there's about 10 people in it. It also strikes me as cruel to the horse.
Silent Night
Lyric that bothers me: "Holy infant, so tender & mild"
So, you're going to decribe a child as you would a fucking BBQ chicken-wing? You cannibalistic bastards.
Also, "sleep in heavenly peace" strikes me as a threat.
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Lyric that bothers me: pretty much the whole damn thing
His nose was "shiny" (like my bald head) - I don't see my head lighting the way in thick-ass fog. For something "shiny" to do that, it has to reflect light - which isn't there in the fog in the dead of night. Also, reindeer don't fly, no matter how hard you catapult them, shithead. The only good thing about anything Rudolph related was Burl Ives, & that giant fucking yeti...speaking of which, I saw a fat woman the other day wearing a coat that looked like the pelt of a yeti. My guess is she ate the rest shortly after she skinned it. Her husband looked scared, either way.
White Christmas
Lyric that bothers me: the whole damn thing
That shit is racist. You can try to tell me "he was talking about snow", but that's bullshit. It was sang by Bing Crosby, which is 'nuff said right there.
Away In a Manger
Lyric that bothers me: not so much lyrics, as the imagery of "no crib for a bed"
The carol doesn't really piss me off as much as nativity-scenes that people put up do - THERE'S A FUCKING CRIB IN ALL OF THEM. Listen to the song - it clearly states that shit is off-limits. Then again, they're not known for "accuracy" to begin with. These days, we know that "virgin birth" really means "lying whore".
Oh Come All Ye Faithful
Lyric that bothers me: "Oh come ye, oh come ye to Bethlehem"
I don't come on command, and even when I do, it barely makes it across the damn room, let alone all the way to Bethlehem. It is, however, usually quite "joyful & triumphant", so you get a point for that.
That's all I got, so "happy non-denominational holiday" to you all, because I figure I've offended enough people with this post as it stands...and if I didn't, then you probably feel the same way about this time of year as I do...good for you.
